The Self destructive darkness within

 As I was reading the book called the Ego States I came to realise that there are a bunch of selves living inside ourselves, some of them  get along with  others , they  talk, relate  match  and have strong connections on the other hand some others don't even know about the existence of other selves, they never talked or even  met before. After that realisation I started to observe and recognise a very strong power being manifested through me, I would like to highlight one specific Self which I believe is the one responsible for my unconscious behaviour, it has been manifested for a while and I believe it started when I was still a child. This text was written after my relapse on drugs, and it is all about :
'' The Self Destructive Self Within''

it looks for pain, it feels worthless, it is completely irresponsible, it doesn't want to be close to those ones who will bring clarity to its behaviour, it attacks to justify the feeling of being attacked, it looks for problem, it becomes a problem, it doesn't have any value, it avoids situation that would confront its existence, it doesn't think it is a problem in order to avoid its instant death, it creates a problem when everything is fine to increase its power over the brightness within, it feels unwanted, it makes itself unwanted, it feels unloved, it feels hopeless and helpless when everything is on its favour, it destroys hope and rejects help, it is powerful, it is dark, it is fearless, it knows how to look for triggers to increase its power, it is ungrateful, it doesn't stop seeking for pain until the form has no more energy to accomplish its desires, it abides and only can survive in an unconscious state that's why it avoids any kind of advice and especially situations that bring awareness to its acts, feelings, thoughts, emotions,. I t is completely detached from any other form and or self, it needs freedom, it makes itself unhappy, it looks for acceptable reasons (like hanging out with friends to end up in pain). It SPEAKS LOUDER than any other voice, it is very suspicious, it can't accept love, it believes it is not worthy living , it became very close and good friend of the DRUG / ALCOHOL / SEX  addiction, which I will name as ADDY (addiction).
   
        Addy and Darkness are very similar and they hang out together feeding each other beliefs. Addy gives Darkness long periods of freedom and unconscious  moments, Addy supports every believe that Darkness has, although Darkness is much more older than Andy, they get along well and complete each other pains and suffering. Darkness is very introspective, it doesn't talk much about itself and it doesn't remember when it was born.
      Addy is young about 6 years old but it leads the way, and follows the same pattern over and over again..Darkness is more active than Addy, but Addy is not always available to meet Darkness when it wants, which makes Darkness a  bit sad and as result Darkness will stay a long period without communicating and interacting with Addy.
    Darkness and Addy used to hang out every weekend in the same place, sometimes in different ones, they used to share their pain together for many hours and after a while they needed more time together. Addy nowadays hasn't hung out with Darkness as they used to do befeore. One day Darkness went out with Addy, they would meet certain time and Addy would always leave Darkness alone. That Day Darkness met a new friend, that friend was very caring and would listen everything that Darkness would say although its new friend wouldn't agree or disagree, Darkness found it very supportive as Darkness was upset because Addy would always leave her alone.
Darkness new friend is Consciousness which I will name SARAH. Sarah listened to all that Darkness had to say and moan about Addy without judging Darkness. Sarah was there just as a listener and an observer. Darkness kept hanging out with Addy. And Addy would always leave Darkness alone, and Darkness would always approach Sarah to moan about Addy.Addy and Sarah never met, but Darkness would talk about Sarah to Addy
       Darkness stoped hanging out with Addy for a while, although Darkness still wanted to meet Addy, Darkness wouldn't contact Addy because Darkness knew she would be left behind, So Darkness spent some time sleeping. After a while Darkness woke up, she never slept so much, Darkness was wondering why she slept for that long.
    Still a bit confused Darkness came to  realised that Sarah was  was her twin sister.  They never met before because Darkness was kidnapped  when very young and never get the chance to know its source. Sarah wouldn't say anything she would always listen to Darkness. One day Sarah decided to take Darkness to Sarah's favourite place, that place was called the Mirrored House, it was the first time Darkness was able to look to herself and that was when she had the realisation that they were twins sisters.
        After that realisation Darkness fell into a deep sleep as Darkness could not stand act or even survive in such clarity. Darkness awakened after a while and was avoiding Sarah for a while but Darkness felt alone and was constantly thinking about what Sarah showed her.  Darkness stayed on her own for a while, but later searched for Addy again, who also missed her. They hung out few more times. But Sarah decided to interfere and told Darkness that she should get to know her past, and bring light to all doubts and fears that are craved in her depth,. Sarah prompted herself to help.  Although Darkness was afraid to get to know her own past and was very reluctant Darkness decided to investigate it. Sarah said she would help Darkness in order to reveal the truth Darkness would have to go into a deep sleep that although she didn't know could last forever.
                       Darkness is sleeping , and I Sarah  am now writting her story, although I've heard a lot about  Addy I never met her and since Darkness has been sleeping Addy is NO MORE.....


  .

Eckhart Tolle on pain.

The pain that you create now is always some form of nonacceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is. On the level of thought, the resistance is some form of judgment. On the emotional level, it is some form of negativity. The intensity of the pain depends on the degree of resistance to the present moment, and this in turn depends on how strongly you are identified with your mind

Don't keep INSIDE what you want OUTSIDE

From the moment I express my fears, thoughts, weakness, doubts ,insecurities, feelings;   from that present moment  I  become free of them, I become free of the human conditions. Don't keep INSIDE what you want OUTSIDE. Speak it out, write it down, sing it, paint it, express it, but don't keep it.  Let them be manifested through you not by you. You will find out that there are many people out there just LIKE YOU.


(message from Sam)

Hey ,

I read and read your Blog... I miss understand some part sometime, I wish to have a better english. Even when i translate its even worse but i know am quiet close to get it. You know am sure how much I can see myself in this. We are all the same and am very glad you find yourself so well. I stop smoking a month ago and been very down because of drugs too. I realise so many things but feel honestly to be a bit lost sometime. I dont like to say that but there is the truth. As you I addapte myself to the world around me, then back to myself and then back with an otherone attitude.. And I the end dont know who I am anymore. I see the pain in people and that hurt me a lot, sometime I just nearly cry just to see people. 

You a nice guy and I really dont want to disturb you... trust me. I am reading again the New earth, i feel to do it now. before I was less in peace than I am now. I feel better everyday, but I have dout in myself. I need to go away . I will like to ask you if you are any advice. You own me nothing and just with your blog you do a lot already for peoples, but if you can dirige me a bit i will be thankfull.

Thank you for your understanding
have nice week.
Sam. 

Dont worry about trying to understand the blog, there are so many grammar mistakes there,words are only  pointers , it is only to show the way, it's very difficult to express what we feel in words, as we can not make others feel the way we feel, we can only try to explain it. Happy to hear you quit smoking. You have a good heart, you are very kind, and  pure, I can see you are struggling to deal with problems as everybody else. If you feel that something is wrong in your life then it is a Great Start.Its funny how we usually try to change everybody and everything around us, thinking that by doing that  we can change ourself. We can not depend on anything that is outside ourselves to be happy or feel in peace. It's not going to be a better a job, a boyfriend, a new house, that is going to make the difference, we can  actually have a moment of happiness and peace, but it will be just a moment, from the time we lose our so wanted job, our lovely house, or the beloved boyfriend, we will have to face our unhappiness again. Because it was very CONDITIONAL. All we are looking for , is already there, INSIDE. It has been there since we were born. YOU ARE ALREADY THERE. You don't need to go anywhere, However if you think that your surroundings has influenced you to become unconscious ,then I would advice  you to make the change. It is not easy it hasn't been easy  for me either. I had to destroy my sim card, I did not want to keep in touch with anything or anybody that I would feel tempted to take drugs or act in a way that I would suffer later, my friends were not the problem, drugs were not the problem neither, but I realised that when I was with certain friends in certain places I was more vulnerable to take drugs and act shamefully. the most precious thing I can share with you Sam is my own experience, the only one who can help yourself is YOU. I'm very happy to support you,without judgements, because I can see who you really are, for your essence. You know  what you have to do, everybody knows, we have the answers.but we are afraid of doing it. what helped me a lot and this is my advice for you, WRITE DOWN everything you feel when you are on calm down EVERYTHING, FEELINGS,  BEHAVIOUR , everything you do that you feel sad, things that you feel ashamed of, and read it whenever you feel like doing it again. WE KEEP doing the same things that cause us pain and suffering because we forget them, so write them down, and read it again, and again. Every time we read it we remember the pain we suffered and that's what helps us to remain in abstinence That's why I say in the blog that if we are not suffering from our addiction we can not overcome it.

Thanks for sharing your feelings, have a nice weekend as well. and remember WEEKEND, can be when the  WEEK ENDS,but it can also be when the  (WEAK) NESS  ENDS.   peace.

Disconnect to Connect

Addiction

                I don't know how it started , maybe by curiosity. I don't know how it persisted, maybe because I enjoyed, but I KNOW how it ended, and that's what I want to share. 

                 Many people tried to help me somehow , showing their love, their care, they tried to educate me showing the consequences of my behavior , how drugs would affect me physically, and few of them tried to punish me  for my addiction. NONE of those things helped. Because I was not in a state of receiving , I did not want to be helped and I did not think I had a problem.

                 People have different reasons why they start taking drugs, different reasons why they keep taking drugs, but the reason why they want  to stop their addiction is the same, and it is because of their  SUFFERING. If you are not suffering from your addiction, if it isn't  causing you any PAIN, so you are not ready to receive what I have to share as it can only be understood from a place within yourself which is desperately in need and agony , and cant bear any more pain of suffering caused by unconscious behaviors. 

            Through my own experience I have the intention to point in a way  you  can have the vision not of the problem but the SOURCE that is causing you a problem. I am pointing to you. Am inviting you to look inside yourself.

                  

                    ADDICTION is not a disease it is a  the condition of being abnormally dependent on some habit/ behavior that is causing  suffering even though we are not able to stop or change it.

                        Overcoming an addiction doesn't  happen by getting to know what addiction means, It happens when we start getting to know the SELF we are. Addicts know everything about their addiction but nothing about themselves. 

                         

                         It has to start from you. I had the illusion that being on drugs  was fun, I could be and  have fun with  anyone, I believed I was happier, I believed I was invincible I believed I was FEARLESS. What I didn't know was that I was not happy, I couldn't have fun ,and  I did Fear BEING WITH MYSELF. What a horrible and dreadful feeling it was to come back to myself and have that realisation. The Pain was very intense , and heavier than the one I entered that situation. And it became heavier and heavier by the time.

                    

                             Nobody is born an addict , but once we become addicts we're always be, even though through suffering we can remain in abstinence. The pain I suffered remains inside myself as a reminder, it is embodied in this temporary form called physical body, ,and  I am aware that the desire has  no more space within since I realised that it is no more fulfilling. IF there is any time in your life you dont want, DONT LIVE IT.